Thoughts On A Given Day

In the summer of 1978 I made a contract with God at Fort Caswell, The North Carolina Baptist Assembly, or, perhaps I should say that I attempted to make a contract with God. God did not actually accept my contract offer. I was twenty-three years old that summer, and I had been a Christian since I was ten. Slowly, during my thirteen years as a Christian, I believed I had been maturing in my faith. At the time I was saved I loved sports, knew practically nothing about the Bible, loved my family, was generally happy, and was a fairly consistent thief and liar. By the time I turned twenty-three I loved sports, had read the New Testament, knew many stories from the Old Testament in spite of the fact that I had never actually read it, loved my family, was generally happy, and I had made a sincere effort at reforming my tendency to be a thief and a liar. In retrospect, I recall considering myself quite mature and educated. I had already completed a three year commitment with the United States Army, and I had completed two years of college. I had also worked one full summer at Caswell, and I had returned for my second summer with the intent to give back some of what I had received during my first summer there. In other words, I wanted to serve God in a way that I knew I had not the previous summer. I had not gone to Caswell in 1977 to serve God, or at least that was not my intent. I had gone to Caswell for a job at the beach. Anything positive that happened after that was not a result of my intention. I did, however, intend to serve God in the summer of 1978, and I had a plan. I would give God 90 percent of myself and devote that to his service. I would only reserve a mere 10 percent for me. I considered that a good and reasonable offer, and I fully believed that God would be happy with it.

I must say that I am glad that God often credits our intentions rather than our actual results, because it did not take me long to realize that I was failing miserably at serving him. I couldn’t quite figure out why. I went to the church services. I sang in the choir. I shared fun and fellowship with other staffers, witnessed on occasion, and I truly desired to make an impact; but I knew in my heart that I was not – not the way I knew I wanted to. Something was missing. I could not understand it at all.

One night, with a certain sense of desperation, I walked out alone into the Caswell night to pray. Let me step aside from the narrative here to say that there is no finer place in the world to feel God’s presence than at Fort Caswell at night. It is a small peninsula at one end of Oak Island, and it is situated between the Cape Fear River and the Atlantic Ocean. At any one moment you can be standing there on a Civil War era fortification looking up at a million stars with a warm ocean breeze wafting over you, then suddenly you can find yourself nearly face to face with a giant ocean vessel entering or leaving the Cape Fear River. With a backdrop of the constant sound of ocean waves lapping up against the shore there is no better place to feel the combination of your own insignificance in this world and your huge significance to God. I apologize that I lack the words to describe it better. Go there. Find your own words.

I do not know how long I walked the Caswell grounds that night praying. Eventually I found myself up on one of the forts, and I just relaxed back onto the grass and looked up at the stars. All the things I had been hearing from others there played through my head, and God began to speak – not in an audible voice that I could hear, but, rather, he began to speak to my heart, to my soul. I suppose I was more dense than some who would have gotten the point right away, but it took me awhile. 90 percent will never be enough for God. He will always want our whole heart, our whole self, our whole devotion. It is what he sacrificed on the cross for us, and he requires nothing less in return. Anything we deliberately withhold from him will drive a wedge into our relationship with him, and we will feel the loss. Don’t misunderstand me. God will not love us any less, but he will not be able to work in our lives the way he could if we do not, as the old hymn says, surrender all.

I would like to be able to say that from that night onward my life has been 100 percent devoted to God. I cannot. I did think at the time that I had learned the lesson, and that it would be all downhill from there, but I have found that I still stumble. I still make mistakes. I still sin. I still slip into the trap of withholding something for myself. I do, however, know the mark for which I am aiming. God forgives my failures, and I move on, looking always for the opportunity to serve, to give my all.

Luke 10:25-28

New International Version (NIV)

²⁵ On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

²⁶ “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

²⁷ He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”

²⁸ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”